"How to Survive the First Year"
Author: Arlon Beadles
Retired College Basketball Coach
Southwestern Christian University (OK)
Emmanuel College (GA)
Southwestern A/G University (TX)
2016 NCCAA Hall of Fame
I was pleased to receive a pamphlet from my long-time friend Arlon Beadles about his experience in dealing with grief when his first wife, Patricia Tignor died of cancer.
He wrote: "Grief is a very personal experience and one that is extremely hard to express. After the death of my wife, I read every book or article I could find on the subject. I found that men in general hide their grief more than women. We are taught as boys not to cry, so it was difficult to find materials that address the problems a man faces when he loses his spouse. The term widower is rarely used in our world today even on insurance forms or government documents.
He lists a number of suggestions that may help me "make it through the darkest days of my life."
1. Don't hold back the tears, even when alone.
2. Take control of your life. Set some goals for physical fitness. Lose some weight. Improve your golf game. Take long walks or ride your bike. Get out of the house.
3. Go to the Bible and seek God's will for your life. God may give you a verse that you can hang on to survive.
4. Realize that this year will not be easy. You must take it one day at a time.
5. The first time you go through an event without your spouse will be toughest.
6. After a few months, don't expect much sympathy from friends or relatives. They expect you to move on with your life.
7. It is very important to look at all your options.
8. Realize that you are very vulnerable. Emotionally you are drained. You are lonely. You are at your weakest point. Don't make a major decision when you are this low mentally.
9. Don't feel guilty if you want to love again. You will always love your spouse, but God (amazingly) will allow you to love another. You will never forget your first love, so don't try to replace her. Just let it happen. Time will open doors for you.
10. Always conduct yourself with dignity. It is very easy to be flattered when friends and relatives start trying "to fix you up with another person."
11. Always remember everyone is different. Move at your pace. Some people remarry in in months. Others, years, some, never. You are a special person, so don't be pressured to live like others want you to live. Be your own person but with grace and dignity.
12. You may want to honor your spouse's memory. For example, you may establish a college scholarship named in her honor. Let you children and relatives be involved. Let them contribute both thoughts and money towards that goal. Yet, be careful, there are people who will abuse you and your money if you are not a good steward with your resources.
13. I will always always treasure a memory book that I put together of our marriage. In this book I used photos of our lives together as a family. It is still important to me to look back over those years and remember those wonder days of struggle and joy. I was able to spend many hours working through my grief while working on this task.
Friend, you can make it. God is with you. Don't expect to understand why she is gone because it will never make sense.
Arlon Beadles has served the Lord as a teacher, coach and administrator at four Christian colleges and universities for over thirty years. He has earned degrees from Oklahoma City Southwestern College, Southern Nazarene University, the University of Central Oklahoma, and Mississippi State University.
He was married to Patricia Tignor for thirty-three years before she died of cancer. They were blessed with three children, Greg, Traci, and Adam.
God blessed Arlon again when he married Mary Haman, June 12, 1999.
[Editor's comment: What a blessing Arlon Beadles is to me by sharing this well-thought out and written pamphlet. It makes a lot of sense to me. I am at the beginning stage of grief. I have a long way to travel down this road without Melvine, the love of my life. We were married almost 60 years. However, I have known her longer when you add the years of our courtship.]
Author: Arlon Beadles
Retired College Basketball Coach
Southwestern Christian University (OK)
Emmanuel College (GA)
Southwestern A/G University (TX)
2016 NCCAA Hall of Fame
I was pleased to receive a pamphlet from my long-time friend Arlon Beadles about his experience in dealing with grief when his first wife, Patricia Tignor died of cancer.
He wrote: "Grief is a very personal experience and one that is extremely hard to express. After the death of my wife, I read every book or article I could find on the subject. I found that men in general hide their grief more than women. We are taught as boys not to cry, so it was difficult to find materials that address the problems a man faces when he loses his spouse. The term widower is rarely used in our world today even on insurance forms or government documents.
He lists a number of suggestions that may help me "make it through the darkest days of my life."
1. Don't hold back the tears, even when alone.
2. Take control of your life. Set some goals for physical fitness. Lose some weight. Improve your golf game. Take long walks or ride your bike. Get out of the house.
3. Go to the Bible and seek God's will for your life. God may give you a verse that you can hang on to survive.
4. Realize that this year will not be easy. You must take it one day at a time.
5. The first time you go through an event without your spouse will be toughest.
6. After a few months, don't expect much sympathy from friends or relatives. They expect you to move on with your life.
7. It is very important to look at all your options.
8. Realize that you are very vulnerable. Emotionally you are drained. You are lonely. You are at your weakest point. Don't make a major decision when you are this low mentally.
9. Don't feel guilty if you want to love again. You will always love your spouse, but God (amazingly) will allow you to love another. You will never forget your first love, so don't try to replace her. Just let it happen. Time will open doors for you.
10. Always conduct yourself with dignity. It is very easy to be flattered when friends and relatives start trying "to fix you up with another person."
11. Always remember everyone is different. Move at your pace. Some people remarry in in months. Others, years, some, never. You are a special person, so don't be pressured to live like others want you to live. Be your own person but with grace and dignity.
12. You may want to honor your spouse's memory. For example, you may establish a college scholarship named in her honor. Let you children and relatives be involved. Let them contribute both thoughts and money towards that goal. Yet, be careful, there are people who will abuse you and your money if you are not a good steward with your resources.
13. I will always always treasure a memory book that I put together of our marriage. In this book I used photos of our lives together as a family. It is still important to me to look back over those years and remember those wonder days of struggle and joy. I was able to spend many hours working through my grief while working on this task.
Friend, you can make it. God is with you. Don't expect to understand why she is gone because it will never make sense.
Arlon Beadles has served the Lord as a teacher, coach and administrator at four Christian colleges and universities for over thirty years. He has earned degrees from Oklahoma City Southwestern College, Southern Nazarene University, the University of Central Oklahoma, and Mississippi State University.
He was married to Patricia Tignor for thirty-three years before she died of cancer. They were blessed with three children, Greg, Traci, and Adam.
God blessed Arlon again when he married Mary Haman, June 12, 1999.
[Editor's comment: What a blessing Arlon Beadles is to me by sharing this well-thought out and written pamphlet. It makes a lot of sense to me. I am at the beginning stage of grief. I have a long way to travel down this road without Melvine, the love of my life. We were married almost 60 years. However, I have known her longer when you add the years of our courtship.]