1. The nicest thing about the future is . . . that it always starts
2. Money will buy a fine dog . . .but only kindness will make
him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor . . . you
probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining . . .as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is . . . when you're
in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid
of the dark . . .
to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important . . . because they
demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions . . .you feel younger than
everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat . . . and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy
who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins . . .the old ones just get more
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong
number at 4 a.m. . . like, it could be the right number.
13. No one ever says "It's only a game" . . . when
their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where . . . 'happy hour' is
15. Be careful about reading the fine print . . . there's no
way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that . . . not everybody
has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years . . . we'll have
thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
(And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness . . .
but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac
than in a Yugo.
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every
joint . . . you're probably dead.
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't
mind . . . and the ones that mind don't matter.
21. Life isn't tied with a bow . . but it's still a